The Apple Retailer. The place the place overjoyed prospects get clapped in by workers as they stroll in to buy the brand new iPhone; The place the place workers get clapped out and cheered as they depart for pastures new; The place the place pleasure has no finish, life has no issues, and shopping for a brand new Apple gadget makes all the things really feel entire once more.
It’s additionally the place the place hundreds of consumers arrive late to their appointments and demand service; The place the place handing a telephone coated in your bodily fluids over to a stranger is deemed acceptable; The place the place you entrust technicians together with your most beloved reminiscences and your deepest, darkest secrets and techniques. Welcome to the Apple Retailer, a spot I referred to as house for a lot of a 12 months and a spot that has many a story to be advised. You’ll need to hear about all of them — however you’ll want you can overlook half of them. Imagine me, I’ve tried.
Do you’ve got your individual story to inform from the world of Apple Retail? Tell us through X @TalesGeniusBar
Disclaimer: These occasions are primarily based on a real story. All names and likenesses have been modified however each single bizarre, grotesque, humorous, or healthful anecdote occurred throughout the partitions of an Apple Retailer someplace on the market.
Take the chilly, crisp February morning when the heroine of this story met the teller of this story. The Genius Bar was nonetheless half asleep when the sprightly-but-shocked lady walked in along with her iPhone SE. I used to think about myself as a charmer, in a position to make even the grumpiest outdated girl want I have been their grandchild. So when an appointment for somebody referred to as Constance with a software program subject on their iPhone SE popped up within the Concierge system, I used to be in my factor.
I checked the notes within the system and noticed that Constance had booked in by calling the Apple Assist helpline. The notes learn, “Points with iPhone software program, pornographic imagery on the gadget and uncertain the right way to take away. Buyer desires to be seen in retailer.”
In these 4 stone partitions, I virtually felt like a superhero, in a position to remedy any drawback at hand, and that felt like some mad energy that allowed me to make or break somebody’s day. With nice energy comes nice accountability, my uncle Ben as soon as advised me, and that exact Tuesday morning, I used to be within the temper to save lots of Constance from the horrors she’d endured over the previous few months.
I head to the again wall, roll my shoulders, slap my face, and hype myself as much as do the nice Lord Jobs’ work. I’m able to serve, and I’m able to rid Constance of those photographs which have been haunting her helpless soul.
“Constance,” I say, strolling over with a superhero swagger to a small-framed lady in her late 70s or early 80s sitting uncomfortably on a stool constructed for model over spinal assist. “Howdy pricey, I’m hoping you possibly can assist me as a result of I don’t know what to do anymore.”
“I don’t need to describe what I see on my telephone on a regular basis, however there are disgusting photographs of bare our bodies, and I believe my iPhone has been hacked!”
She appears to be like at me with the load of the world in her eyes, “Please, pricey, you’re my final hope.”
In all my years working for Apple, there have been just a few folks that I vowed to not let down, that I vowed to save lots of from the depths of despair, and let me inform you, Constance was certainly one of them. I’d get to the foundation of the problem and produce concord again to her world for good.
“I’m the precise individual for this job, however I want you to indicate me these terrible photographs,” I say, nodding so she is aware of I don’t take my job flippantly and that these pesky trolls will face the reckoning they deserve.
Constance unlocks her iPhone SE, the wallpaper a poorly framed selfie that appears like she’s by accident taken it whereas attempting to unlock her gadget. She opens one thing on her gadget, shields her eyes, and pushes her iPhone SE (not the fashionable one primarily based on the iPhone 8, however the outdated SE rocking that iPhone 5 look) throughout the desk as if to say, “Take care of this, I can’t take it anymore.”
I brace myself. I’ve seen some bizarre stuff on prospects’ units, however even then, I wasn’t ready for the grotesque imagery about to seem. I take the SE and, stunned, see the Music app open; it’s empty (Constance appears to be like extra just like the gramophone sort than a spatial audio streamer), aside from a single album sq..
A black and white picture of a person standing topless, with one other topless individual hugging their waist, hits my eyes. I gasp, I’ve had a flashback to a horrible nightmare…
“Constance,” I say, “I’ve discovered what you have been on the lookout for.”
Constance’s iPhone is filled with surprising stuff, and he or she wasn’t the individual placing it there. She’d been hit with the undesirable smut of U2’s Songs of Innocence album, compelled down the proverbial throat of anybody daring to have an iTunes account.
Songs of Innocence was infamously given to all Apple prospects without cost after the revealing of the iPhone 6 and Apple Watch. Bono joined Tim Prepare dinner on stage in Cupertino, and the album was launched solely to all iTunes Retailer prospects later that day, with Prepare dinner calling the album “the biggest album launch of all time.”
Sadly for Constance, the one option to take away U2’s thirteenth studio album was by contacting Apple Assist on-line. Though, now that she knew the supply of her nightmares was nothing however a mediocre album, she may sleep simple finally.
She smiles at me. I smile again at her. Constance’s innocence is preserved. I get up from my stool and transfer on to the following buyer of the day, able to deliver extra justice to the world and rid my prospects of their torment. The streets might don’t have any title, however hope does — it’s referred to as the Genius Bar.
Are you want Constance? Need to take away Songs of Innocence out of your iTunes account?
In 2023, you possibly can’t take away Songs of Innocence from U2 with out contacting Apple Assist on-line. Right here’s the right way to do it:
1. Obtain Apple Assist from the App Retailer
2. Kind “iTunes assist” into the Inform us what’s taking place field on the high
3. Comply with the directions on display screen and chat with an Apple Assist Specialist
Tales of the Genius Bar is a bi-weekly column unique to iMore. Do you’ve got your individual story to inform from the world of Apple Retail? Attain out through X @TalesGeniusBar .
